even after half a year, still, F.U.

How can I express what you've meant to me these many years? The bond we've shared has been stronger than any other in my life. You were always there for me when I was alone.

When I was scared, you gave me strength.

When I was happy, you shared my joys.

When I turned my back on you, you waited patiently, knowing I would return.

You never judged me or held a grudge. You welcomed me back with open arms. You were my lover, we knew each other so intimately. Just the smell of you can set my heart pounding. The feel of you in my hand, so smooth and firm, makes my blood boil even now. God, I want you so badly. You and I have been together through so very much.

How can I tell you I have to go? I'll just do it... This is "Goodbye." I love you and I always will, but this is killing me. It's not healthy and I'm beginning to see that now. I have changed, grown, but you have stayed the same. We've been going in different directions for awhile, and I just haven't been able to admit it to myself. Now I can.

I am so angry at myself for putting you first. You had such a hold on me.

I feel like I"m losing myself to you. We've always been together. Is there a "me" without you? Surely there is. I bet he's someone you wouldn't recognize. You always thought I was weak and I'd be back, but I'm not weak anymore. I'm discovering how strong I really am. I can go and not look back, except on those lonely nights and I drag out those old pictures of us together. I'm sure you know I'll miss you. It's not like these last few years have meant nothing to me. But my future means more. I have to do what's right for me now.

Letting you go hurts more than I can describe. I lay here at night thinking of you and missing you so badly. Every time something makes me angry I just want to go to you. You always want more of me, and loving you has become a vicious, self-destructive cycle.

I know that the pain I feel right now will heal. I pray it's not too late for me to give myself a fresh start. This pain will not kill me and that which does not kill me only makes me stronger.

Don't wait for me this time.