hi my mudafuckin blog. what's there to write here today? hmm.... *long pause*
*goes downstairs for a cup of milk*
*30 minutes later*
Back! Let me see what I've been up to. I've finally decided to cut down on smoking since a week ago, which is my hmm 5th time trying to quit. Here's why I chose to cut down and hopefully quit some day:
Since a particular incident, I was not my own self and smoking was the only way to keep me sane. You see, cigarettes calm me down, it gives me a temporary relief. It frees me for a little while. I know that this was all in my head, but it helped. Little by little, the addiction got the better of me. At first it was an average of 17-20 sticks per day, then it grew to 35-40 per day. Giving that a box of cigarettes (20sticks) cost rm9.30... you do the math. I was spending too much on cigarettes. Way too much. I remember telling my friends that I smoke for the heck of it and that I would never get addicted. Oh how wrong was I. I got addicted, worst yet, I got hooked. People say nicotine addiction is worse than drug addiction. It is very true. Each morning right after I wake up, I itched for a cigarette. I feel stressed out, I get very angry, and a whole lot more when I did not have a puff. This went on for quite a while. Although I knew that my migraine would worsen because of this new addiction, I ignored it. I rather had migraine than to not smoke at all. I rather endure the daily migraine pain than to go on without smoking. Last week, I got a wake up call. I was in bed and my migraine got so bad that one of my eye was throbbing so hard I could barely see properly. I tried to ignore it, but it went on through the night till morning, I took my migraine pills and even sleeping pills that night, but it did not help at all. I couldn't sleep. My head felt as if someone was stomping on it non-stop. I did not touch a cigarette the next day, but when the migraine stopped, I drove out to replenish my cigarette stock. And there was my 2nd wake up call. I ran out of money to buy even the cheapest smuggled cigarettes. But it did not stop me, I went to a friend who had owed me money and I used the money to buy a pack of cigs. I smoked half the pack in less than an hour. I was getting drowsy and decided to head home. When i reached home, my mum was right at the door. I stupidly walk pass her. And she caught a wiff of me, and all hell broke loose. This was my 3rd wake up call. My mum scolded me, but this time, it was different. She stopped halfway and just walked away. I had this strange feeling, I don't know how to put it in words. Simply say, I could feel how disappointed my mum was. And I know my mum complains about this to my dad. But my dad never confronts me about it. Only once. Through text. I guess he must feel guilty since he is a smoker himself. And I get this feeling that my mum blames him. I don't want my dad to be guilty. It's not his fault that I picked up smoking, neither is it my friend's. I chose to do it. I made the decision to puff my life away slowly, one stick at a time. But I now realize, I shouldn't waste my life this way. I may not mean much to some certain people. But there are a lot of people out there who still sees me as a friend and they want what's best for me. Not what's best for them. From the day I posted up that I was gonna start quitting, I had countless people supporting me. Though some, mischievously tempted me. >:)
Anyways, I just want to say that quitting is the right choice for me. I don't want my health, my finance and the relationship between my parents to be put on the line any longer. Gosh. I can't believe I just typed so much. Bye mudafuckas!
fieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee *falls off cliff*
